Sitting with Fear

Do you ever stand too close to the edge? Looking of the side of a cliff or a mountain just to feel that fear of falling? To feel the fear of dying. To feel the vastness of how BIG Mother Nature is and how small you feel in her presence.

I do. I always get a little too close to the edge, not in a way that I put myself in danger but in a way that reminds of that earning to live. My stomach drops, the fear steps up and reminds me that I should be scared to fall. That fear is useful and invigorating. Fear is a rational and useful emotion and tool when looking at the bigger picture.

The question day to day is- is this fear the kind of fear that keeps me a live or the kind of fear that keeps me from living?

I am manifesting a BIG life. It may not be big in the way society views it. But BIG in the way that sets my soul on fire. You get to define what BIG looks like for you and so do I. How fucking exciting. BIG lives are led in the spite of fear.

In this season I look to the left and the right of mySelf at the table and there are some really big fucking fears sitting with me. The fear of losing my Grams. The fear around my fathers addiction. The fear of vulnerability and rejection. The fear of complacency. The fear that I’m doing this all wrong. The fear that this sadness is permanent. Wow, so much fucking fear.

All of these are valid. All of these are big heavy scary mother fuckers when it’s just you and them staring back at each other.

So I step back and evaluate each fear one at a time. I notice, some of these fears I have zero control over. Grams will die one day and my father gets to choose the life that he will live. Hard truths to swallow.

When it comes to the rest, I dive into those fears. Break them down into bite sizes and start to find the root of it. So I can understand it and learn from it. So that these fears don’t become ingrained in my being.

Because my biggest fear, is to look back in 50 years and realize I let fear suppress me into living a small life🤍 Trying to focus my attention on the controllable’s. Clearing the table when I can.